To the Still Happily Pregnant Moms
One of the strangest things about a miscarriage is not knowing how to interact with moms who are still happily pregnant after your loss. The day we found out we lost our baby, I was messaging with a long time friend of mine who is due about a month before I was. We had spent weeks sharing in each other’s excitement and she was looking forward to hearing about my appointment almost as much as I was excited to share details. After we had trouble finding a heartbeat on the doppler, I was sent to the imaging suite. I quickly sent my friend a panicked message as we sat in the waiting room.
In that moment, she comforted me in ways that others couldn’t. She knew exactly I felt because she had experienced a loss herself years ago. That day she was so kind to me, and I felt awful knowing that my tragic experience probably caused her unnecessary worry and stress about her own baby.
When we spoke again, I expected to feel jealous or envious that she still had a healthy pregnancy, but I never once did. I’ve read that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in a loss and I told her that if my baby had to be the 1 that didn’t survive, that I’m so thankful that her baby was one of the 3 that did. I started placing my hope into her baby and praying that he would be born perfectly healthy in July.
As word spread about my loss, I felt my pregnant friends withdraw a bit. Perhaps with the intent to ease my pain. Though, on this side of things, it sometimes made me feel like my sadness and misfortune was contagious. That my unhappiness and heartache could put their happiness and joy at risk. I understand that perception is not reality, but it’s how I felt.
Two days after my D&C, I went shopping for baby books for friends who had a shower that day. I expected it to feel painful and was surprised that it made me feel better. Buying those books was the first time I got out of bed, showered, and dried my eyes. It gave me a reason to move forward. It ripped off the proverbial band-aid before jealousy and envy had a chance to scab over my deep wounds.
I just want you to know that I am so happy that your pregnancy/baby is healthy. I wish no woman ever had to feel the heartache of losing a child. If I decline a shower invitation, it’s only because I’m worried I might end up crying and spoiling your special, well-deserved day. I still adore seeing your growing belly/your baby’s precious face on your social media sites. I desperately want to hold and snuggle your baby and breathe in that sweet newborn smell. Your baby brings me so much hope. They are what make me feel more excited than fearful to try again. Thank you for sharing part of your joy with me. ❤