To you, this may seem like a strange place to start telling my story, because it’s not the beginning and hopefully not the end of my journey. Instead it marks a turning point in my life and the reason I am sharing my story with the world. Later I will tell you how I got here and where I’m going, but this was the defining turning point.
I woke up on this Good Friday and started my day with some coffee and scripture. I poured myself into verses about Jesus’ crucifixtion and as I read this verse it reminded me of something I said through tears on the darkest night of my life.
Matthew 27:46 “And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying ‘Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?’ that is, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?'”
Tuesday, January 17, 2017 – The darkest night of my life.
That afternoon, I had been to my 11 week checkup appointment with my obstetrician. About a month prior we had seen our precious baby’s heart beating as our hearts burst with pride and love. On this afternoon, a nurse tried to find the baby’s heartbeat with a doppler. As she pressed the wand against my stomach and several minutes passed, I felt nervous and could feel my own heart start to crumble inside me. She reassured us it was common to not pick up the heartbeat on the doppler this early and sent us along to have a sonogram to make sure everything was okay. As I lay on the table, the tech pressed another wand against my belly. An image popped up on the screen and I saw our lifeless baby laying at the bottom of my womb. I had lost our child. Looking over at my sweet husband and seeing tears fill his eyes, I could feel my heart breaking inside my chest. The tech looked at us and said she was sorry but our baby no longer had a heartbeat. She called in the physician who took some measurements as I sobbed in agony. He explained that I’d had a missed miscarriage likely due to a chromosome defect. “Nature’s way of taking care of a problem.”
Everything from then on is a blur. They whisked us through a secret hallway back to my obstetrician’s office. In the 10+ years I’ve been going to this office, I’d never know such a hallway existed. It’s the hallway of sadness…the one they take you through so you don’t scare the happy and hopeful patients in the lobby. The hallway that transforms your life of happiness into despair. We scheduled my D&C for the following day and left for home.
In the darkest night of my life, I cried out to God asking why he had He had forsaken me. I laid awake sobbing for hours. I begged God to give me my baby back. I asked God why He had taken my baby from me. I angrily questioned why God would put the desire to be a mom in my heart only to take my baby from me.
Though I didn’t find answers that night or in the following days, I know that God was with me and comforting me. Counting my tears. Carrying my burden.
I will never forget the moment I heard that my baby’s heart had stopped and mine kept beating. There will never be a day I don’t think of my baby and mourn the life it never got to live. The only thing that comforts me is knowing that the first thing my baby saw was the face of Jesus.
God doesn’t make mistakes. He’s rebuilding my heart one piece at a time and making beauty out of the ashes. It’s Friday, but Sunday is coming….